Being human, we make mistakes in life. As we mature and hopefully learn through our mistakes, we can start making better decisions.
Nowhere is this more important than in the realm of relationships
After the heartbreak of a failed relationship, it can be hard to decide to get back into the dating game.
If you are thinking of dating because you are desperately lonely and just want any relationship, you will not place great importance on red flags — tending to minimize their importance. Or we just bond to the first person we date, thinking we can change the things that bother us later.
You must get yourself stable and be ready to date first. Then keep your eyes open for warning signs and be willing to walk away and say “next”.
Some (of the many) red flags to watch for:
1. They (or you) rush physical intimacy. It is important not to jump into intimacy too quickly, as that increases the bonding hormone oxytocin and this will greatly hinder your ability to notice potential red flags.
Give yourself time to get attached to a person – There is no rush.
2. They are constantly putting down their ex. It is a very bad sign when someone is bashing someone they used to love. It shows they haven’t accepted their role in the relationship breakdown (and every player had a role) and also shows how they may (will probably) treat you in the future.
3. Watch how they talk about their parents. If there is alot of unresolved negative emotions regarding their parents, it is often unknowingly played out again in their romantic relationships.
While they don’t have to be close to their parents, they should have worked on decreasing their resentments. They preferably have worked on forgiveness and understanding – even if the parents can no longer be a part of their lives.
Avoid those with “Mommy issues” or “Daddy issues”.
4. They are rude to wait-staff and customer service people. As someone who works with the public, I can tell you that rudeness speaks loudly about someone’s character. Pay attention to that. This rudeness will eventually come back to you. And who wants to be with someone like that?
5. Someone who is constantly late. The occasional lapse is normal, but chronic lateness speaks of a lack of respect for your time and an inability to manage their life.
6. The conversation revolves around them. Having a true relationship with someone means that you take mutual interest in each other’s lives, feelings and ideas.
7. You are always the one to suggest dates or even to text. It’s nice to have reciprocity on this one. If you are always the one who reaches out first, you need to wonder if they are even very interested.
8. They critize little things about you. For example, I once dated someone who critizied the fact that I wore makeup. He called me insecure because of it. This was a huge red flag that I ignored. I was wearing makeup when we met and every time he saw me at first – and then it became something to criticize me about.
Watch for these comments that seem intended to put you down. They speak volumes about the other person.
9. They are living with their parents and/or are unemployed. You can get a pet if you want someone to look after.
10. Your friends and family don’t like them. Of course, these must be friends and family you love, respect and trust. Often they can see red flags that you are blinded to and make excuses for. Pay attention to how your friends react to this person.
“When people show you who they are, believe them. Maya Angelo”
This lesson from Maya tells us the most important thing to pay attention to while dating – keep your eyes open and NEVER think you can get someone to change.
And make sure you aren’t the one creating these red flags. If some of these issues are your issues – look honestly at yourself – then work on fixing them. Dating and relationships are a two-way street.